I realized, as I felt myself sinking deeper in the last couple weeks, that I hadn’t felt this way in over 20 years. I haven’t been this deep in 27 years. It’s horrible, and I’d forgotten how it takes over everything: a downward pull that it’s difficult to avoid. All the upbeat songs and jokes in the world don’t make it better, for more than a moment.

I’m sunk.

My mom used to call these periods “funk.” I’m starting to think I want to call them “hell,” and it amazes me that I know folks who are living day by day through a never-ending funk. I don’t feel that strong anymore.

Yes, some of it stems from paranoia. I am a paranoid person. My dad always taught me to look for the bad, to be able to plan.

Two years ago, it was easy. The signs were there, and it was driving me mad. There were plans, and I was not included in them. Time to go.

When I started this job, it was a blessing. A new start. A new department. New, wonderful bosses. Flexible  timelines and the resources with which to get the work done. A boss who cared about her staff.

I love my boss, but the pressure she’s under is driving our whole department down. We’ve had multiple folks quit, and we’re short 3+ people. We can’t function like this. The pressure cracked the one last outstanding project manager we had, when she walked out of an 8am meeting at 8:10 with a “nope, I’m not doing this anymore. Consider this my 2 weeks.” (she left, permanently, 2 minutes later.)

Someone 3 (or more) levels up wants us gone, I’m certain of it. Not certain why.

I love the people I work with. I love(d) my boss, but she’s broken, too. Her new boss is under the same pressure, and scrutiny, even though he’s just been put in charge.

I feel certain I will be fired in the next week or so. Maybe even today. Despite my long hours, my weekend work, and my continued dedication to a broken system. Is it my paranoia, or is there really something there?

I hate this feeling. This is the feeling that makes me want to vomit. This is the dread that makes me hate everything and find escape any way possible. I want to run away.

This time, though, I don’t have a plan B. I am unhealthy. I am too stressed. I cannot focus. My plan B is to take it as it comes. I have 5 weeks of vacation that will be paid out if I’m terminated. That should hold me through January. I have 14+ years if I am RIFd, to get severance. That might keep me til March.

The thing is, I really wanted to switch jobs into another area. Different role, different structure. No more programming. But, because of this, I won’t even be considered for an interview.

I know, I’m extrapolating. It could be nothing.

I hope it’s nothing.

I’ve gotta get to work.